Since my last post I have (significantly) started a decently-paying job and ended a five-year-long relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry. After a short period of rebounding, I have finally realized that I am alone for the first time in my life. I am more or less financially independent and am free to live wherever I please guilt-free. Let me just say: damn it feels good.
For the last week or so, I've been feeling very sad, depressed, and just so lonely. I think that it's understandable: I had been given emotional support by my partner since I was sixteen, and suddenly I found myself without a man to depend on or to protect me, and I was scared. There was a period of floundering, when I reached around and grasped for reassurance: I can only say that this ended poorly. And then it finally occurred to me:
There were reasons I left my boyfriends, and when I left them I felt relieved.
I don't know why for me, quite often, I feel like it's better to be with anyone rather than to be alone. Even now, it torments me to think that I will never go back to the men that I have dated because I don't believe that I have the strength to start again with anyone new. At this very moment, at the age of twenty-one, I am convinced that I will never find anyone else. Oh how dramatic.
But a couple of days ago I finally realized that I am truly single. For the first time in my life, I have no strings attached and I am truly independent. I have no idea how this is supposed to work, but in the next few weeks I will finally be able to explore my own interests and limits, without pressure and without regrets.
My Single Life Bucket List
AKA: the list of things I'll finally do because my asshole boyfriend won't nag me about it.
1. Get a tattoo. I have been wanting a particular tattoo for about two years (and known I wanted one in the area for about four). In the next few weeks, I will finally have it done. The best part: whenever I see the mark on my body, it will remind me of my independence instead of the man who was there holding my hand.
2. Buy giant hipster glasses. Because I fucking love them. With presciption lenses. I have always loved them since before I wore glasses (almost fifteen years ago).
3. Wear baggy, grunge-inspired outfits. I have loved grunge since I saw it featured in my 90s-era Archie comics. Today, I wore perhaps the least-flattering outfit of all time. Loved it.
4. Dye my hair hot pink, cut it short, grow it long, bleach it blonde, frost the tips. The men I have dated have always loved my hair. I love my hair. But now, if I so please, I'll chop it all off on a whim with the confidence of knowing that it will eventually grow back (I've been growing out my hair since 2009: we'll see how I like it when it gets to waist-length and then decide). I no longer fear losing my lover's affection over a couple of feet of keratin.
5. Wear too much makeup. Because I don't care if you think I look like a hooker: I love blending eyeshadow.
6. Wear dark purple or black lipstick. Because no man likes the look, but I do.
7. Cover my wrists and fingers in costume jewelry.
8. Grow my fingernails long. I love that witch-y look.
9. Spend an entire Saturday downtown in a museum, an art gallery, or just strolling along the waterfront. I'm grateful to not have to babysit an adult anymore.
10. Wear short skirts and high heels in the dead of winter. I have no idea how I look in them, but I feel confident while sporting them.
11. Take a dance class... or three. I love to dance, but I'm God-awful at it. It was worst when my partners were even worse than I was: yes, I want to go dancing, but no, I don't want to go with you.
12. Write down my thoughts without feeling like I'm lying when I don't share the notebook or link. It feels so good to have my mind to myself again.
13. Date someone without feeling like I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life with them. My small sample size has only taught me about a few "deal breaker" traits: I'm sure there are plenty more.
All-in-all, I'm starting to feel very optimistic about this new life of mine unfolding. I only wonder now: how did I let the last five years happen without a significant struggle?
Best wishes on this Halloween, and hopefully we'll see each other soon.
Lauren
