Food Diary: 11 May 2012

This is me at work yesterday, waiting for a Western blot to finish washing. I think,

And this is what I ate:

French toast (plain, 149 Cal), scrambled eggs (plain, 154 Cal), oatmeal (16 oz, with raisins, 328 Cal)

 I had one of these orange Turkish delights-- I wasn't a fan. I love Aplets and Cotlets, but I don't like orange marmalade, so the bits of peel and the too-sweetness just ruined the candy for me (approx. 40 Cal).

 A co-worker and I split a maple bar and a chocolate bar. I scraped off some of the frosting (I like the texture of the doughnut without the stickness of the frosting on the roof of my mouth). Somewhat gross: I mixed the two flavors together, and they tasted like coffee. (Total: approx. 380 Cal)

As I was leaving work, I was pretty hungry and needed to go right in to studying for my midterm, so I picked this up from one of those refrigerated vending machines. Mistake! "Cheddar" is really "processed cheddar cheese product" is really American cheese, which I don't really like. I threw out some of the cheese after I realized it was giving everything else a funny taste. (approx 300 Cal)

I also ate four Gummy Vites in the morning (30 Cal). Approximate Calorie count: 1381

So I'm really self-conscious, most of the time. I was chubbier when I was a kid and through high school, and I got more active and lost some weight when I got to college. Pretty standard story. I'm a little over 5'3" and weight about 125 pounds-- which puts me directly in the middle of the "healthy" category, BMI-wise. My lowest weight (last year, when I was working out every day and eating very consciously), was 114 pounds (still "healthy"). At my heaviest, I was about 134 pounds. Then I went travelling and got out of the routine, especially when I got back to school and started making new friends and taking harder classes. So I lost some muscle and put some weight back on.

So my weight's been fluxing and I'm trying to keep in mind how much happier I am when I feel good in my skin and my clothes. Right now, I feel like I look terrible all of the time and I absolutely hate the way I look. And I hate myself for not changing my activities to make myself feel better (i.e. exercising more, eating less and more consciously).

I go between states of trying not to feel guilty about eating and trying to lose weight by obsessing over it. And until a couple of weeks ago, I was in a balance where I was starting to exercise again but I wasn't beating myself up over it.

And then, recently, I got some comments about my weight that were slightly soul-crushing. So, I'm kind of afraid to eat and I feel disgusting. I know I need to just get my bum in gear and work out if I want to feel better, but I just feel so depressed.

Too much self-pity, not enough crunches. Off to work I go!